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|“||I don't use deodorant and I only take bubble baths.||”|
—Connie in Everybody Bleeds
Constance "Connie" Harland the Hormone Monstress is the female hormone monster, who helps girls go through puberty. She works as Jessi's hormone monstress and serves as a foil to Maury, who she has an on & off sexual relationship with. She embodies the part of a female's mind that yearns for glamour and says such catchphrases as "Get rid!" and "Bubble bath." She first appeared in "Everybody Bleeds". She is voiced by Maya Rudolph.
Connie has a long sexual past with Maury that dates back just about as far as time goes. They have an on & off relationship that swings from sexual partners to bitter enemies like clockwork.
In "Everybody Bleeds", Connie showed up in Jessi's house after she got her period and told her that she had officially begun puberty. Connie told her about all of the wonderful, horrible, and in-between things she'd be experiencing such as shoplifting makeup, crying hysterically, destroying her own property, listening to Lana Del Ray, lashing out at her mother and laughing at her tears. Jessi wasn't ready for puberty but Connie said she had no choice and that these were going to be the best years of her life. Although Jessi was frightened by Connie's threatening demeanor, she took the time to tell her that she looked pretty.
In "Am I Gay?", Connie showed up to tell Jessi that her date with her new boyfriend, Nick, was going horribly and that she should dump him lightly. Jessi told Nick they should just be friends and Nick was okay with that. However, Nick went and told everyone at school that it was him who dumped her, which pissed Connie off so bad that she had Jessi curse Nick out in front of the entire school.
In "Sleepover: A Harrowing Ordeal of Emotional Brutality", Connie admired popular plastics, Devin and Lola and convinced Jessi to be friends with them even though Jessi hated them for being bullies. Connie's bad influence on Jessi led to her becoming a bully herself and making fun of her friend, Missy.
In "Girls Are Horny Too",
In "The Head Push", Connie was revealed to be Missy's hormone monstress too and led her into playing seven minutes in heaven with Andrew at Leah's party. Because Connie's client was working with Maury's client, the two had an awkward reunion. Apparently, there was some bad blood between them, following a bad breakup they went through a while back. However, they promised to keep things professional and work together for their job. However, Connie said that her client had no experience and no idea what she was doing. Likewise with Maury and his. Connie and Maury just kind of took a shot in the dark and things worked out pretty well. Andrew and Missy's making out, got Connie wet for Maury and the two put their past behind them and quickly started violently fucking on the table, officially becoming a couple again.
At the end of "The Department of Puberty", Connie became Nick's hormone monstress. Nick was confused as to why he had a female hormone monster but Connie told him not to question it and taught him how to masturbate. Nick properly jerked off for the first time and finally climaxed.
In "My Furry Valentine", Connie started making Nick go through female puberty, which included his nipples getting hard and sensitive and for him, personality wise, to get a lot more emotional and prone to crying like a bitch.
In "Girls Are Angry Too", Jessi and Nick got into a fight over dress code and Connie, being the hormone monster for both of them, played both sides of the argument until they eventually made up.
In "A Very Special 9/11 Episode", Nick was mad at Connie for siding with Jessi when she was so obviously in a toxic relationship with Michelangelo. Connie failed to warn Jessi about these red flags because she too, was blinded by his hotness and couldn't see what a horrible man he truly was. In the end, Connie decided to retire as Nick's hormone monstress and Nick was perfectly fine with that, as he started hating Connie for all the stupid shit she had put him through during their time together. Nick sent her off with one final "fuck you" and an insult to her hair, which really got to her good.
Connie is a vibrant yellow hormone monster with long, flowing, a luscious jam hair and tawny brown body fur that covers her boobs, arms, legs, ass, and also serves as her eyebrows. She has two horns on her head and big ears on the sides. Her eyes are various shades of blue from Charlotte to cerulean to sapphire to sky. She has a big nose with massive pronounced nostrils, that sit above her broad mouth, rimmed with dim fandango lips. Connie's hands are scrawny, pale, and yellow and she has horse hooves for feet.
Connie is a bombastic, bodacious, and brassy bitch, with a vivacious zest for life. She truly does embrace life and lives it to the fullest. She has no filter or sense of self control and is completely comfortable with having a open, euphemism-free dialogue about sex, just as every hormone monster and woman should be. Connie is a tough-as-nails motherfucker who takes shit from nobody wants her clients to be as proud and free as she is and convinces them to leave their comfort zones and truly express themselves no matter what society says. More often than not, however, Connie has gone overboard and led her clients into behaving inappropriately in public and getting themselves in trouble. Connie is a bad influence such clients, pushing her otherwise polite and mild-mannered girls to do bad things such as bullying, throwing tantrums, and shoplifting. All of which they'd never dream of doing, if they were on their own. Despite her shortcomings, Connie is a very heartfelt and loving hormone monstress who truly and deeply cares about her clients. She is very expressive of her emotions both happy and sad and has the tendency to sympathize with her clients, herself, usually crying whenever her clients are crying in a time of distress, getting turned on whenever her clients are sexually aroused, and flaring up with a demonic rage whenever her clients get pissed off.
Connie has appeared in all of the episodes except for the following:
- Before making her debut in "Everybody Bleeds", Connie's name was seen tattooed in Maury's arm in "Ejaculation" with a heart to dot the "i", indicating that they were once together. This was further explored in "The Head Push", when it was revealed that they did have a vivid sexual past and currently still have an on & off friends with benefits relationship.
- Connie doesn't use deodorant and only takes bubble baths.
- Connie served as Nick's hormone monster from "The Department of Puberty" to "A Very Special 9/11 Episode", making him her first male client, she says she isn't the first one to do this but we don't know if this is true.
- Jessi is the only client Connie hasn't split up with (other than Gina which we are unsure if she is the hormone monster of)
- Big Mouth, season 2 episode 10, The Department of Puberty, 5 October 2018